Why „No“ to European Constitution is not enough

Autor: Vladimír Železný | Publikováno: 13.1.2006 | Rubrika: English

Dear friends, ladies and gentlemen,

I was asked to deliver few thoughts about why “No” is not enough. Why the “No” given by the French and Dutch people to European Constitution is not enough. The answer is very simple: because the Eurocrats will never give up. They are already for decades accustomed to ignore peoples´ will. And above all, they are very well paid just for this arrogance and they are not ready to abandon their comfortable life.

The Eurocrats realized that after enlargement they would find new supporters in the new member states. In Britain you are accustomed to send your failed or disgraced politicians as high officials and commissioners to Brussels. For us it is a new and exciting opportunity to get rid of our useless politicians. Yes you have your Mandelbrots, but try to imagine seductive sweetness of cooperation with European Union for our troubled politicians. For your politicians it is useful escape from local troubles, for our politicians it is also an escape from poverty. Ordinary higher officials of EU are earning the same salary as the Czech Prime Minister and may not be taxed by higher taxation then 12 %. Irresistible!

After our revolution in 1989 I had a chance to visit headquarters of the Comecon (Communist alternative to European Union) in Moscow. It’s a funny small complex of buildings totally dwarfed by a megalomaniac European Institutions Quarter in Brussels. I spent overwhelming majority of my life under communist rule. I now go to Brussels and I have a strange feeling of “deja vu”. Yes we feel at home again in Brussels and in European Union. We were so frustrated by the unfriendly and demanding environment of the market economy and democracy which we started to rebuild 16 years ago. Believe me; it is hard work suddenly having to take responsibility for ourselves, to fight for survival in a competitive environment. And now, voila! It is a relief, we are back again! Home sweet home. Totalitarian home sweet home. No responsibility, everything is decided somewhere in the Commission which is not elected and not responsible to the voters (like party secretariats in our country under Communist rule, the only difference is that Moscow is replaced by Brussels). Another familiar situation: we have again a mockery parliament (this time in Brussels), with none or limited powers. How familiar, how comfortable, how delightful!

Basically the Eurocrats made a grave mistake to admit us Czechs into European Union. You, thank goodness, have none or very limited experience of totalitarian institutions and therefore do not take the threat they represent particularly seriously. We Czechs have deep and painful knowledge. Above that we are professional destroyers of inefficient bureaucratic structures. Czechs destroyed the Austrian-Hungarian Empire. I am pleased to admit that we are the only country of European Union whose representation in the European Parliament voted with more then 70 % of MEPs against European Constitution. I am so proud to admit that we are the only member state where the head of state, our president Vaclav Klaus is dedicated and merciless fighter against European Constitution and European federal super state.

I was generously provided with 30 minutes of speech here and I will try to draw the picture of future stage of regulation in EU. And I will try to entertain you. If it you find it funny you might consider laughing. Do not! The reality is not so far from my vision. Last year when I attended meeting of regional branch of UKIP in central England I explained to your voters why there is suddenly such heavy snow. This was part of new EU regulation aiming at homogenization of weather in EU. It was proportional part of Austrian snow from Alps given by Commission to UK. But Britain will be obligated to share your traditional fog with Greece and Cyprus where fog is very rare. I thought this is a joke and everybody laughed. When I returned to my office in Brussels I found on my table draft proposal of new regulation prepared by European Commission which very seriously dealt with sunshine. Whatever absurd you will invent as a joke, you can find in the new drafts of regulations by European Commission or European Parliament.

So I can predict that new regulation aiming at further homogenization of Europe and enhancement of the greater European melting pot will emerge. There are rumours that Slovak Christmas carols will be partially included into the Belgian national anthem. Mozzarella will be allowed to be served only with Strasbourg asparagus instead of tomato. Yorkshire pudding will be renamed Marseilles pudding and as a special courtesy will be served free of charge to illegal immigrants through the good offices of the European Union every second day. One advantage of this regulation will be that this will distract them from staying in our countries. Yorkshire terriers will still be tolerated as a name of dogs and Marseille terrier will be only a recommended one. Champaign will be renamed for Chirac´s Bubbles or “Boulles de Chirac” in French. Bottles with this label will be delivered for discount prices to all restaurants in Great Britain partially replacing British rebate.

Honorary title „Polish Plumber of Europe“will be awarded every year to a Commissioner with the most unpopular regulation proposed. There sis only a small problem with financial side of this, because our Polish colleagues had refused to pay expenses of this award.

In order to strengthen cohesion of countries from opposite sides of the EU port wine in category tawny and vintage will be served regularly in nursery schools of Estonia with breakfast. Despite the fact that all alcohol will be removed from the drink, it will be still mandatory to attach to each bottle the label with terrifying black frame and with warning that this product can cause liver cancer if you will live longer than 97 years.

Because some doubts about future of European Union were regularly expressed in Great Britain and in order to enhance cultural cohesion of EU there will be new regulation based on which Prince of Wales will be still allowed, by Brussels´ regulators to wear a Scottish kilt, but only under condition, that the kilt will be embroidered with Polish folk motives. There will be very upsetting regulation concerning Lady Camilla. To prove Her loyalty to EU she must any time while attending the races at Ascot wear a hat resembling in shape the ugly European Parliament building in Strasbourg with clearly visible slogan „I love Barroso“ in all twenty three official languages of EU including the newest one, Gaelic. For the same reason, to punish UK for lack of enthusiasm for EU, spicy Hungarian goulash will be, as a mandatory meal, served to Her Majesty the Queen regularly at least twice per week. Fortunately this impolite regulation will be counterbalanced by another directive which will force all inhabitants of Finland, younger then 73, to play cricket each and every weekend.

By the way we cannot forget cricket. Because Brussels´ regulators and the Commission mistakenly have got impression that England has won Ashes for the first time since 1987 solely because UK took over presidency of European Union, they have decided that the next winner will not be UK or Australia, but automatically EU country taking over the next presidency.

Then there are sports. To promote unity of the EU it was decided by the Commission that the EU should be represented at least in one sport at the next Olympic Games in Beijing. Based on experience with synchronized voting in the European Parliament by the German and French delegations the choice of sport was obvious – synchronized swimming. Coach Barroso already nominated team with Mr. Pöttering and Mr. Schulz and other German and French MEPs. Our French colleagues were excluded from the team because during rehearsal in the Parliament they were very unsynchronized with the rest of the team and above all some experts of the Commission translated finally Chinese characters on swimming suit of our colleague Philippe de Villiers as “Barroso cannot swim”.

In order to increase popularity of Turkey as a typical European country Mr. de Villiers and other French members of our political group will be offered Turkish bath with Turkish towels free of charge after every session of our group, on the condition that during parties of Ind/Dem political group only the Turkish trot will be allowed to be danced. If this fails to change our minds we will be served with compulsory side dish in the MEP restaurants in Brussels and Strasbourg with Turkish delight.

As a special contribution of British presidency of European Union a new directive called the Cheshire Cat Regulation will be adopted. Based on this Commissioners will not be obligated appear before the European Parliament. But to save their precious time and to acknowledging that Parliament is anyway totally useless body Commissioners will just privide pre-recorded image of their smile in 3D, which will replace and substitute their physical presence and can any time slowly, fade away.

There is an additional proposal of special committee for technological advances in the framework of so called Lisbon strategy that the Cheshire cat smile will be preformed by special hi-tech holographic projection, which will strongly increase competitiveness of Europe. So, for instance, oversized grin of Mr. Mandelbrot will be hanging over the heads of MEPs any time they discuss a foreign trade.

Exception will be made for the Chief Commissioner Barroso. His smile was found by the Commission so insincere that regulators decided that he is even not obligated to provide 3D image of his ever visible smile. In the same time Barroso will be still allowed by special decree not to appear before the European Parliament despite impeachment procedure, started viciously by Nigel Farage but on the condition that Barroso will provide his portrait to the face of a new version of “maneken pis” in Brussels. The statue, three meters tall will be erected in front of the main entrance to the European Parliament. Following this erection there will be rumours spread officially by well paid special staff of PR department of the Parliament that if the statue is properly touched on the right part by virgins from member states of EU, if there are any left, the statue will miraculously increase fertility of European women and this will help tremendously to solve the problem with lack of young work force and will automatically limit illegal immigration to the European Union.

The fertility concept was shaken seriously with objection of Female Rights Committee of the European parliament, yes we have this one and our friend Geoffrey Bloom is an honorary member of it. The committee proposed that Barroso´s face can still be used with certain feminine touch but the statue should be that of lady Godiva.

Green party group in our Parliament immediately grasped the idea and proposed that similar statues should be erected in front of all parliaments around united Europe, including Scottish one, with the same body of Lady Godiva, which will save cost, but with removable and alternative heads of commissioners from each country. So soon Mandelbrot’s statue of this type will be just round the corner in Parliament Square. I know that Nigel has already volunteered to be an honorary guest speaker at the opening ceremony. The advantage of the concept is that in case you will need to get rid of another politician and to appoint him or her as a Commissioner in Brussels the procedure will be very simple, remove one head and replace it with another. And because of environmental concern, there will be a condition, that all statues of „Commissioner Pis“ will be cast from material recycled from tons and tons of used metal clips from regulation files in the EU Commission Office.

To celebrate British presidency of European Union there will be special regulation imposed called the Guy Fawkes Regulation. Based on social charter and new social contract of Europe, proposed by Tony Blair, the fire-fighters will have three tee times during any fire lasting longer then minutes in order to sip quietly and undisturbed their cup of Darjeeling with milk, on the condition that blaze will survive without interference of Eastern European blackleg fire-fighters longer than 67 minutes.

I am sorry to inform you that European Union is now preparing a special regulation concerning Nigel Farage. He will by forced memorizing all 467 pages of European Constitution. If he fails to repeat it without mistakes any time between two and three a.m., woken up regularly by a special official from Barroso´s office, he will be punished by total ban on drinking beer and the strongest alcoholic beverage allowed to him will be ginger ale.

My favourite regulation, but this is the real one! My favourite regulation (already mentioned) is that of optical radiation. For long time the Commission in Brussels is trying to impose on Europe regulation dealing not only with artificial sources of light like lasers and burst of rays during welding, but with ordinary sunshine. A month ago Czech Commissioner Spidla, who proposed Sun radiation regulation was heavily defeated in the European Parliament. The attempt to regulate Sun was rejected.

Humiliated Spidla insisted that MEPs didn’t understand importance of the regulation. He reminded us that those measures are vital in order to protect topless waitresses in the garden restaurants during sunny days. By the way there are two ways how you can protect them, you can either distribute anti-tanning creams or to switch off Sun. My original guess was that the second option will be chosen by Brussels regulators. But then I realized that for numerous employees of Spidla´s Commission the first one is a preferred option because they were promised that they will be allowed, for demonstrational purposes, to apply personally anti-tanning cream on the most dangerously exposed parts of body of topless waitresses.

Mesmerized by the incredible charisma of Mr. Spidla his British teenage fan club organized a singing tour of him through the British Isles to soften humiliating impact of defeat. He will perform together with the Atomic Kitten because Liz, Tasha and Jenny can now finally use protective anti radiation suites supplied by his Commission.

You are laughing now, but try to image our feelings and frustration in European Parliament when every week we face proposals basically not so far from those which I have jokingly mentioned here. On my table in office in Brussels there is a serious proposal of EU regulation aiming at preventing European female squirrels to mate with introduced American squirrel males to protect biological identity of this European species (I would add that cross breeding is not allowed despite the fact that both squirrels are members of NATO). Quite recently a renewed proposal of Greens for ban on night flights of airlines aircrafts over Europe to protect undisturbed sleep of European inhabitants landed on our tables again. And so on and so on. And we all together, Czechs, Britons, Danes, will pay in our taxes for that. This is the only unity, which is currently achieved by the Eurocratic elite, that we all are allowed and obligated to pay for their stupid regulations and in the same time for their luxurious lifestyle.

We are the only force in European Parliament trying to stop them. But can you imagine how they hate us? We are those who bring troubles to them and who are disturbing their quiet and comfortable life. So, back to rumours again. What will happen next? They will probably try to bribe us. There are constant rumours that Nigel will be offered a free holiday trip with Barroso on luxurious wooden raft on the Loch Ness in Scotland. And during the trip he will be allowed to call Barroso „my dear Man Friday“. After the trip Nigel will be offered to be chief regulator for working conditions and taxation in all red lamp districts of Europe. He will replace Czech commissioner Spidla who is in charge of working conditions and other social issues. Again, it sounds like a rude joke. But seriously new regulation is actually prepared to deal with working conditions of the ladies employed in mentioned entertainment institutions or the self-employed ladies from very dark parts of streets.

Spidla will loose responsibility for this valuable area of regulation as a punishment for his role in defeat of the European Constitutions. His performance in Brussels was so poor and his inability to speak any languages, including Czech one, was so striking, that he was heavily used as a deterrent in campaign against the European Constitution. You have probably noticed successful French poster and billboard campaign before referendum on 29th of May: Do you want to be governed by people like Spidla?

We Czechs are very proud that we were able to deliver to Brussels, on time and within budget, such useful tool for our fight against the European Constitution. If required, just ask and we can provide you with another package of the same quality. We have so many Spidlas in our country, the stock is full, do not hesitate to ask!

Fortunately our British colleagues from UKIP are extremely resistant to seductive environment of Brussels. They usually escape to the nearest English pub to be inoculated and vaccinated against pan European regulatory disease with a pint of English beer. It works. Nigel especially is perfectly inoculated. We hope to increase resistance of our British colleagues by applying Czech beer as well and we are sure that the mix of remedy will work perfectly.

There are other new rumours... The most challenging and demanding project of European Union will be revealed soon: mission to the Mars. And there are constant rumours that UKIP is behind this project. The UKIP subgroup volunteered to donate and sacrifice all available money from their budget 3701 in our political group to this project if EU will comply with two conditions. First that crew of the spaceship will consist of Mr. Barroso, Graham Watson, Mr.Pötering and Mr.Schulz. Second that due to current fuel shortages they will be temporarily provided only with one way package of fuel.

Our co-chairman, the Dane, Jens Peter Bonde immediately reminded us that basic policy of our political group is not to allow creation of any EU body or group which will not be balanced. I will quote him: “This is dangerous to create one-sided homogenous group of European Constitution supporters even on Mars. We should demand more balanced composition of the crew and at least one opponent of European Constitution should be included”. UKIP immediately agreed and proposed that an unnamed experienced TV personality might serve the purpose.

Czech delegation added to the list of potential candidates for flight to the Mars not only Commissioner Spidla but another Commissioner Kovacz as well. Kovacz is a Hungarian who is really beloved in the Czech Republic because this ardent communist apparatchik signed in August 1968 declaration supporting invasion of Soviet tanks to Czechoslovakia to crush our attempt to overthrow communist regime. There are rumours that he already offered similar fraternal help of EU to Tony Blair to get rid of with UKIP dissidents (“fraternal help“was in our former Orwellian newspeak an official name for invasion of Soviet tanks and troops into our country).

But then I realized that maybe the mission to the Mars is not necessary. I realized that we can convert Brussels into something similar to an isolated spaceship. And maybe we finally find a reason for preserving European Union. You will send there your corrupt or useless politicians and we will provide Union with recycled communist apparatchiks. They will fit perfectly into structures so familiar to them.

But please tell me why you and we should stay with them there?

Vladimír Železný, MEP - IND/DEM and UKIP Conference, London

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